Listen To Your Body Podcast 307 Learning To Date With More Confidence w: Lily Womble

Learning To Date With More Confidence w/ Lily Womble

Whether you are in a relationship or not, dating requires a large amount of confidence and the belief in extraordinary love within yourself. Dating more confidently and brazenly is all about listening to your body and trusting in the relationship you have with yourself.

With a little work, support, and reframing, it is possible to view dating as an act of self-care and a space to feel whole within yourself.

Listen To Your Body Podcast 307 Learning To Date With More Confidence w: Lily Womble

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Key Takeaways

  1. If You Want To Approach Your Relationships Brazenly, You Should:
  2. Reject narratives that tell you you are not enough, too much, or anything that is not in line with your truth
  3. Accept that you are the answer to your dating life and what is meant for you will not pass you by
  4. Stop letting the patriarchy influence the thoughts you have about yourself and where you ‘should be’ in life
  5. Normalize celebrating when you are thriving in any aspect of your life, not just dating

The Connection Between Listening To Your Body and Relationships

After working in various fields, Lily Womble quickly rose to become one of the top matchmakers at her firm. This was until she realized that the dating industry is very similar to the diet industry and works to feed on their client’s insecurities. So, Lily broke up with the matchmaking game and started Date Brazen to help badass women find extraordinary love within themselves.

Swap Your Checklist for an Essence Based List

Lily believes that dating apps are like McDonald’s. Your mind is programmed to want that sugar fix, and the way we have been conditioned encourages us to think that playing the numbers game will bring you more satisfaction. In reality, this false sense of accomplishment can cause more frustration.

The important thing to remember is that you are the answer to your dating life, not an app, and what is meant for you will not pass you by, regardless if you choose to use an app or not. Instead of basing your checklist off of qualities, you think you want to dig deeper into what that particular hairstyle or height actually means about the core values you are searching for.

Extraordinary Is Possible

As women, we have been conditioned to believe a legacy of narratives that tell us that we are not enough, too much, or incorrect the way we are. It takes incremental work to gain a sense of wholeness again and reject the patriarchy that influences the thoughts we have about ourselves.

By getting to the essence of who you are and being more whole with yourself, you can use that jumping-off point to have fulfilling relationships that are on your terms and will make you feel like the amazing bright star that you are.

What is your brag? We want to know! Tag us on Instagram or share your brag in the comments below.

In This Episode

  • Why your checklist of what you think you want in a life partner may not actually be serving you (10:10)
  • Tips for navigating online dating when you don’t feel super confident or are afraid of judgment (15:48)
  • How to resolve not feeling like you are enough in order to achieve your relationship goals (22:16)
  • Dismantling the relationship between the patriarchy and how a woman values her worth and views herself (31:08)
  • The difference between celebrating your wins and bragging about yourself all the time (33:05)

Quotes

“That is how I came to break up with matchmaking and start Date Brazen to help badass women really find extraordinary love within themselves and in their dating lives with reflective work meets tactical action.” (9:58)

“The world is out of our control, there is very little that is in our control. And I think that without guidance, most people who are dating will look for those checklist things like the height, the weight, the college degree; they will look for those things because they think that is all they can control. When, in fact, it is really possible to measure how you feel in someone’s presence.” (14:14)

“What I believe is what is meant for you will not pass you by. So whether or not you choose to date on an app, you will find what is meant for you.” (20:14)

“This is legacy breaking work, and it takes a lot of time, and it takes me a lot of support to get to the place where I can believe I am worthy of extraordinary love and extraordinary relationships and extraordinary money and extraordinary connection.” (26:52)

“I think it is a really beautiful marriage between working on your dating mindset and your dating action plan while also continuing to celebrate who amazing and whole and successful and incredible you are.” (37:21)

Links

Date Brazen Website

The Brazen Breakthrough Waitlist

Date Brazen Podcast

Follow Lily on Instagram

Join the Listen To Your Body Insiders Newsletter

Steph Gaudreau Website

Learning To Date With More Confidence w/ Lily Womble FULL TRANSCRIPT

Steph Gaudreau
This is Episode 307 of the Listen To Your Body podcast. On today’s show, we’re diving into relationships and listening to your body, learning how to date more confidently and brazenly with special guest Lily Womble. The next evolution of Harder To Kill Radio is here. Welcome to the Listen To Your Body podcast. on this show, we’ll explore the intersection of body, mind, and soul health, and help you reclaim your abilities to eat and move more intuitively. Hear Your body’s signals, and trust yourself more deeply. I’m Steph Gaudreau, a certified intuitive eating counselor, nutritional therapy practitioner, and strength coach. On this podcast, you can expect to hear expert guest interviews and solo chats that will help you deepen your trust with food movement and your body. Remember to hit the subscribe button and share this podcast with your friends and loved ones. Now, on to the show.

Steph Gaudreau
Hello, hello. Welcome to the podcast today. Thank you so much for spending some of your precious time with myself and my very special guest today. Dating Coach Lily Womble. Lily is the owner of Date Brazen and today she’s on the show to really talk about the intersection of listening to our bodies, body confidence, dating, and relationships. So even if you aren’t actively dating, and you’re in a relationship, today’s show is going to be for you. Full disclosure, I am recording this introduction on November 2, so it is the day before the election here in the United States. Obviously, I have no idea what’s going to happen, just…we’ll see, that’s all I can say. So there could be a chance that I hold this episode, or release it. I don’t know. And I’m just telling you that that’s the situation going on in my brain right now as I sit down to record this introduction. If you’re feeling like you’ve listened to this and you want a little bit of a hug, I guess an audio hug, then go back and listen to my show from last week. All about taking care of your mental and emotional health. Okay, before we dig into the show today with Billy, I wanted to share a win from my Tune-In membership community. This is from one of my members. She says I have changed careers and sizes in the last year and never bought nice casual clothes, only nice suits, etc. I decided I should have clothes that fit me and made me feel good. And invested in some nice casual clothes that fit me in the last month or so. I went out with friends this weekend and felt so good wearing clothes that were comfortable and stylish. Instead of just hiding behind old leggings and big sweaters. While I waited to be small enough to fit into older clothes. It felt wonderful and I received compliments are my friends, great investment in my own confidence, comfort, and committing to love and take care of myself, regardless of size. I am so excited for this particular member. This is the type of work that we’re doing in my tune in membership. You can find out more and join us over on my website stuff gaudreau.com and also if you’d like to receive my free training all about intuitive eating, just navigate to StephGaudreau.com slash training. And there you can hear some of my best audios about intuitive eating. Alright, let’s go ahead and jump into this episode with Date Brazen and coach Lily Womble.

Steph Gaudreau
Lily, what’s going on? Welcome to the show.

Lily Womble
Hi, Glad to be here.

Steph Gaudreau
I’m so glad, I just am really happy that you’re spending some time with us.

Lily Womble
I’m happy to be here too. You’re incredible!

Steph Gaudreau
Oh, well, thank you. As well, are you. You know, I think anybody in the world who is devoting themselves to helping people find love and connection is a special person. And yeah, thank you. It’s an important job and I have to tell you as somebody who is twice divorced and was ridiculously bad at dating ever, I think what you’re doing in this especially in this digital age in the age of COVID and You know, us being like, so connected on digital but more disconnected in real life. I think that this mission that you have is so important. And I know that many people listening to the show today are going to come away with some, hopefully, some nuggets that they can use to move forward.

Lily Womble
Yeah.

Steph Gaudreau
100% of their dating life and finding connections. How did you get into doing this work?

Lily Womble
Yes. So it’s kinda It’s kind of crazy how I became a dating coach because I was very involved in the feminist advocacy space early in my career. So I was at nonprofits, I was doing work around women and girls, education and betterment and then quickly burnt out of the nonprofit life and took a sharp right turn moved to New York, had a bunch of survival jobs. One included being a balloon maker, it’s in your frogs in Times Square. Yeah, no kidding. Yes, I was making penis balloon hats at 10 pm. And later, it was insane. And then during the day, one day, I was like, like, I need another side job. And a matchmaking firm in New York was hiring. And so I landed an interview and got the job. And it was sort of a sink or swim position. It’s like either you get minimal training, and either you’re good at matchmaking and good at connecting with people and helping them with their dating lives or you’re not. And I, for some reason, swam well in this position, and it was kind of an insane job because you’d have to, you know, I had thousands of phone conversations with people for my clients, I would have in-depth conversations with my clients on what they desired what was what they wanted, and try to make matches. So I got really good at matchmaking. I was the third most successful out of 160 at the company. I love. I love to brag. And yeah, so that was going really well. And the big problem was that, in my personal life, I was in a really toxic romantic relationship. So I met this guy on Bumble, I looking back had a lot of fears and Gremlins about my worthiness. And so I sort of fell into this relationship, that in which I wasn’t getting anything that I needed. And so it was a constant battle of like, sort of begging him to be what I needed and knowing that he wasn’t and still sticking around. And, and so there was like a really poignant moment that I bring up a lot to my clients. Actually, if I was crying, I would cry on his bathroom floor. And then 15 minutes later, I would take a call with a matchmaking client and be like, you deserve so much better. Like, let’s get you out on some great date. So there’s this huge chasm between what I was telling women that they deserved and what I was accepting myself. So I knew in that like crying in the bathroom to phone call moment that I needed help. And I turned to my therapist, she was great, but she didn’t know what dating advice to give me or like beyond break up with them. Like what next? My friends said the same thing, but and they didn’t know how to help me move forward. And then I look to matchmaking which was, like, quote really good at right. And I started to see after years of matchmaking that only about 5% of clients were finding long-term love through this really expensive matchmaking product. And so I knew that wouldn’t work for me either. And I realized because it was like people come to a matchmaker because they don’t think they can, they don’t think they’re going to dating. And they may not be aware that they are worthy of a query relationship, because why wouldn’t I have found one by now? So it’s sort of a disempowering solution where somebody else is better at it than you are for yourself. And so at that reckoning point, I had to do some really deep-diving work while I was at the tail end of that relationship, like why was I okay, accepting so little? This guy was everything I said, I wanted it on paper. So what was wrong with my checklist? Right, what’s beneath the surface of it? And then that work and that reflection allowed me to build the courage to leave that relationship to be single for a while, and it turned my desire muscles to the point where I was able to recognize the love of my now life partner Chris, who is somebody who like I would have never swiped yes on his he was just like, not on my checklist original checklist that ultimately wasn’t serving me. So that’s how I came to break up with matchmaking and start date brazen and help badass women really find extraordinary love within themselves and in their dating lives with reflective work meets tactical action.

Steph Gaudreau
Work I love it. I love it. Okay, I have a question though that just came up. fill us in on what were the things that were on your checklist that you thought you wanted. And then after you kind of did your work, and you were like, Okay, I’m ready to go into this with fresh eyes like I’ve done some of that inner healing work. What were some of the things that you found? Were you on your checklist later?

Lily Womble
Yeah, for sure. So I think one thing that was on my checklist that I wasn’t necessarily aware of the first go-round was, I was so used to men not being into me that if a man was into me on my checklist, that would be like a big check. Yes. Right. So I was like, Oh, my God, he, he likes me, there must be something to this relationship because he likes me. Rather than you know, later on being able to say, yeah, I’m awesome. Like, of course, he likes me. Do I like them? Right? Yeah. So um, so that was one thing. Another thing was I really prioritized. Someone who could have an intellectual conversation, because I love to get in the weeds of like a debate or an intellectual back and forth. What I wasn’t aware of at the time this person was getting his Ph.D., he was really intellectual. And I was really attracted to that. What I wasn’t aware of was the different flavor of intellectual that I needed. So somebody that so that I realized, later on, I was like, Oh, I need somebody who can be intellectual, and who also has a generous interpretation of the world around him, so that he can welcome in a lot of different perspectives, and be generous in their communication. So it was like I was just focusing on you’re really smart, and not really focusing on how do you communicate? How do you treat other people? And then the main thing was, I wasn’t aware of how I wanted to feel in his presence. I didn’t know in that toxic relationship, that I was allowed to feel desired. Because of my own worthiness stories going on. So I was when I was in his presence, and I didn’t feel desired at all, nothing was wrong with that. Hmm. So when I sort of transformed my checklist into an essence based list of qualities and values, it was like, I need to feel belonging, I need to feel desired. I need to feel alive with this person, and like I belong, and I’m not an alien in your life, you know? Hmm.

Steph Gaudreau
I love that I was recently doing some interviews, talking to people doing some market research. And one of the questions gets to you know, how, like, I changed the questions originally, like, if you died tomorrow, what would people say about you and how you made them feel, but I changed it to something a little bit more fun, which was like we’ve nailed Collin colonization on Mars, you’re taking the next rocket, and you’re not coming back? You know, what do you hope people would say about you. And it’s really interesting because we oftentimes have those accomplishments and those checklists and things that we look for. But it’s really the feeling that we’re craving or the feeling that we hope we that people will let you know that I’m that I hoped that people would say that I made them feel loved, or I made them feel accepted, or I made them feel, you know, whatever it is, but it’s really that that feeling, why do you think we have such a hard time drilling down past, like the checklists of like, their characteristics of you know, they’re, they’re tall or they’re short, or they’re, you know, biometric data, and really start looking into what’s underneath that?

Lily Womble
I think that it’s because people are looking for what they can control. Mm-hmm. Because the world feels the world is out of our control, right? There’s very little that is in control in our control. And I think that without guidance, most people who are dating will look for those checklist things like the height, the weight, the, you know, the college degree, they will look for those things because they think that’s all they can control for, when in fact, it is really possible to measure how you feel in someone’s presence. And I think that people are afraid to tune in with themselves and afraid to trust their intuition, especially if they’re at a point in their dating and love life where they think I couldn’t trust myself before because I got into that bad relationship. So why should I trust myself and how I feel now. And also, when it comes to asking clients like when I come to ask my clients, like, how do you feel after the date? Sometimes the fear comes up of well if I trust myself to trust how I felt, and I didn’t feel good on the last five of six dates, then what if I never find anybody and then we have this like story that’s underneath those checklist preferences, like I had a client come to me and say, I want a man with Demand button like that’s a non-negotiable for me. And I was really curious about that. I said, Well, okay, great. What is that man been mean to you? And she was able to think about it. She was like, Well, guys with man buns are more creative. And I was like, cool, what where does that come from? What’s that about? Who do you know, and that was really creative. And we got to the point where she realized that the physical existence of a man Bond was signaling to her all of these things about his creativity and open-mindedness. And then we figured out questions that she could ask men without man buns. Got to those preferences. So

Steph Gaudreau
yeah, that’s so great. I love it. I love it. Okay, so I want to dig into a couple of things. The first is navigating online dating. Yeah, I feel like I’m, I’m literally speaking about something I have no personal experience with because I’ve never…ahh well, that’s not true. I met my husband on Twitter. That’s how we connected.

Lily Womble
Shut up.

Steph Gaudreau
Yeah. When I tell people that they’re like Twitter had a dating app. I’m like, No, you silly sausage.

Steph Gaudreau
This is like, actual Twitter when it was not the cesspool that is currently

Lily Womble
Yeah. Was it a DM situation? Was it like a retweet? Was it a…

Steph Gaudreau
well, initially, it was a retweet from somebody that we both followed. And we just thought the other person was really cool. And we’re into similar things. And we just follow each other for a while. I mean, he was in Scotland, I was here. And gradually, you know, things sort of like, progressed, and it was like DNS, and then it was like phone calls. And then I was on a plane to visit him. Anyway. Yeah. Oh, yeah, it was. It was impetuous. And any case, you know, we’re in this age now, where, because we’re forced to socially distance. And because this is like how people are meeting. The idea of dating online to people seems like this is the thing that they have to do. But yet, there’s they’re so worried about being judged. And so how do you help people really navigate the space where maybe they’re not feeling super confident about their appearance and how they present to the world? Or they’re just worried about the quality of the people that they’re finding or how they’re going to navigate the digital? space? Right, we’re, yeah, we’re making those quick connections. And we’re like, kind of doing that quick analysis.

Lily Womble
Yeah. Well, I first want to say that I hate dating apps, right. Like, I think that they, I mean, truly a part of my job is that I get to train therapists on how to help their single clients in their dating lives. And so I know a lot of statistics from that presentation that I give. And I know a lot about the dating industry to be predatory. I mean, perhaps similar to the diet industry, it’s an industry that benefits from people feeling lonely, and, and people feeling discouraged and bad about their bad about themselves in the current moment. And so dating apps, they were created, like slot machines. So that people would want more and more and more, sort of like McDonald’s fries with a little bit of sugar in them like it, your brain wants, your brain wants more of them. Because it’s like feeling good on the I’m not a nutritionist, I suddenly feel really self-conscious talking about McDonald’s fries, and your presence. My girlfriends are delicious. And I love imbibing when I’m driving by. And it’s like your brain, the dating app is told to crave those cheap rewards like a match, like a message. And it’s your brain is taught to view those rewards as signs that your dating life is moving forward, when in fact, those rewards are just, you know, that’s what happens when you’re on a dating app. And it’s not those meaningful, it’s not a meaningful reward. So you continue to feel maybe a little bit even more disconnected because you see these rewards, you’re like, wait, I should be connecting with more people. I should be having more dates I should be I should my ad should be better than this. If I’m seeing all of these like matches, when in fact, the opposite could be true. Like the playing the numbers game myth is actually causing more disconnection and burnout and frustration, because people are putting themselves out their at-nauseum because they believe that they’re like, I should just throw the spaghetti against the wall. So the first thing I’d say is to take a really big cleansing deep breath. And to know that anyone who’s listening who is dating like they are the answer to their dating life dating app is not the answer to their dating life. And so there’s a lot of complicated stuff that comes up with your image and present to how you present on a dating app and what you think you should be looking like versus what you perceive yourself to look like. Right? That’s, that’s a complicated topic that I want to get into as well. And I just want people to know on the baseline like, what I believe what is meant for you will not pass you by. And so whether or not you choose to date on an app, you will find what is meant for you. And a dating app is a tool that you can engage in this crazy isolated time to find somebody awesome. And, and it can be a tool that can be used to sharpen your, like, dating personality. What are you looking for? What does a good conversation feel like? How do you strengthen your courageous communication muscles and like setting boundaries and asking somebody out? So I don’t think I’ve answered your question. But I just wanted to put it out there that like dating apps don’t have to be the answer. And that causes a lot of anxiety things within people to that they’re like, I have to if I want to find a partner, I have to be on an app. Right? And I think that if you’re not mentally in the mindset to be on an app, then it’s just going to lead to frustration and burnout. So so then rest, yeah. And then when you’re feeling a little bit better about yourself, like, get on it. And then like, present your authentic self be weird so that you can disqualify the people who aren’t for you.

Steph Gaudreau
Yes, like when you say fuck on a podcast.

Lily Womble
And there we go, people don’t want to listen,

Steph Gaudreau
People are like, I can’t listen.

Steph Gaudreau
On a, you know, on a more serious note, I know that there are a lot of people who feel like, if only I just achieved this particular state in my life, right? If only I had more money, or if only I had more time freedom, or if only I looked a certain way, if only I was a certain weight, then I would be successful at relationships. And, I am striving to get to that point. So that I then feel that I am desirable and worthy. Mm, have a really interesting perspective on, you know, are too much newness and like owning the things that we are already.

Lily Womble
Mm-hmm.

Steph Gaudreau
I wonder if you can speak to that, because I know that this is a really hard thing for folks, especially, you know, when we’re in this world like we’re trying to talk more about being more inclusive. And, you know, with my clients, I’m always talking about, you know, our worth and our value aside from our appearance and our weight and the way we present, our bodies show up in the world. And when it comes to relationships, obviously, as being like, so key to on that Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. How do we resolve that gap? When we feel like if only I just looked this way, then I’d get the relationship? Or if only I had this, and I get the relationship?

Lily Womble
Yeah, that’s a great question. And there’s not like an…, I love an easy answer. Like, I love an easy question. This is not an easy answer question. And I appreciate that. Um, so I think I hear you saying, How do you resolve the not feeling enough? Mm-hmm. How do you like and I think that that has to do with the contingent self-worth stuff, you know, that my self-worth is contingent on my weight, or on my ability to find a good date or on my job or on my salary? And I think that that has everything to do with the stories that you have learned to survive. Up until this point, I think you’re like, my body has coded a lot of traumatic experiences with stories to help me survive. And one of those when I was raised, as a, as a, as a white woman in the south with a ton of privilege. Just want to put that out there. And also, I was raised, being told that I was too much, right, like my mom told me at like age 10 you are going to be difficult, like you’re gonna have a difficult time finding a life partner because you’re too much. And I love I have a great relationship with my mother like she’s a great person. And she said that because she was told that at a young age, and I was told that by teachers and friends and my personality was intense and bossy and very sensitive and enthusiastic and over the top sometimes and I carried that too much story with me into adulthood. And I ended up and body image was a part of that. Right? I present is curvier and we’re having the past and I had a lot of feelings about that. Including included in my too-muchness, right? Like, that was all part of the too much narrative. And I started attracting people into my life romantically who also believed that I was too much. And so after that toxic relationship ended, I really had to look at that narrative and do some hard therapy work. As work on my mindset, like, look at my assumption, the assumptions I was making about my body, looking at the assumptions I was making about my personality, and then started to slowly over like, still work that is still going on. Coming to self-acceptance and self-love. And thinking, Okay, well, maybe it’s okay that I’m too much for that particular person. Maybe they weren’t supposed to be in my life. Maybe I get to feel like I belong in my own life, in the relationships in my life. Maybe I deserved that. Maybe I’m worthy of that. And then that slow recognition of, maybe it was just that person who thought I was too much and not the whole world. Maybe it was just that person that rejected me because of their behind the scenes shit, and not my worth. And so just sort of sussing that out and untangling that narrative, which is a legacy of, of generations of women, who were told to be smaller, who are told to be subservient, who are told to take up less space in the world, both with their weight and otherwise, right, like, this is legacy breaking work. And it takes a lot of time. And it takes lot of it took me a lot of support, to get to the place where I can believe that I’m worthy of extraordinary love and extraordinary relationships and extraordinary money and extraordinary connection.

Steph Gaudreau
I love that. Thanks for sharing what’s not an easy question to answer, right? It’s,

Lily Womble
well, what do you what would you say? Like what do you think contributes to untangling that, “not enough”?

Steph Gaudreau
Uh, well, it’s definitely like you said, you know, you have to look back. And even if you can’t trace it in your family of origin, because not everybody has that ability, right? Looking at how our societal legacy has, has led to you having the beliefs that you have? No, the easy one for me is looking at money and seeing, like, you know, why did my parents have the beliefs that they had about money? Their parents were children that you know, at the end of the depression, and it’s just very interesting to see how that stuff plays out. And you’re right, that legacy piece and saying, like, I’m ready to break this for myself, or for the women around me if it’s like a body image issue. And I mean, all humans struggle with body image. It’s not specific to women. But yeah, it is. I call it incremental work, right. It’s like, piece by piece by piece. And yet, I do believe that wholeness is really important in going, you know, and becoming more whole again, in I don’t know if we ever get to like, there’s no magical, like, I’m 100% Yeah like this is…

Lily Womble
done arrived

Steph Gaudreau
Yeah, right. Yeah. Definitely have a podcast episode about the false promise of arrival, right? Like this is always going to be something we’re engaging in. And, and yet, like, what is the cost of me not being brave in the moments that I do feel stronger. And I love how you said that, like, if you’re not feeling strong right now, like, you put that away, like you don’t have to, to motor through it or push through it. And I think that that’s something that comes up a lot. For me in talking with women about the scale, for example, they’re like, I should be able to see the scale as a neutral tool. And I’m like, yeah, and if you’re, you know, constantly exposing that to yourself, and like engaging in that tug of war when you’re not feeling strong about it, right. It’s a lot harder sometimes to make that progress. And you know what, full disclosure, you might not ever really be able to see the scale as a neutral tool. Some people might and that’s great, but I know for me, I am sure as hell not getting on a bathroom scale. Yeah. Like it’s just not part of my…

Lily Womble
I just now started looking at the scale at the doctor like I haven’t I’ve asked them not to share my weight at the doctor for the last three years because I knew that there were still some Gremlins, that would trigger me to think some thoughts that I didn’t want to enter my consciousness. Yes. And I also had the cognitive dissonance of knowing that those thoughts were not the thoughts that I wanted to have about my body and that those were not helpful to my growth. And my and my personhood. And I think you’re we’re talking about both ends, right, like both and I can intellectually know that the scale is a neutral tool and emotionally not feel that. And that’s okay for me to acknowledge and to respect and honor.

Steph Gaudreau
Yeah, definitely always looking for both ends,

Lily Womble
always looking for that both ends. Like last night in my group coaching with my clients, we were talking about this idea that you’re for the few not for the money. So this idea and one of my clients shared something, a lot of my clients actually are sharing now that they have a really painful thought that crosses their mind that I’m a cliche, I’m a cliche for being 40. And single, and not knowing how to move my dating life forward, and also being this badass at work, who has her own, you know, amazing life, I’m a cliche for being 30, and single or 28, like 65, and single. And so this really painful narrative, like, I’m a cliche for wanting something like a relationship and not knowing how to find it and feeling really a lot of pain around that. I just, I’m just thinking about how much the patriarchy plays into one woman’s worth is tied to her relationship status, a woman’s worth is tied to her weight on a scale and how that contributes to people feeling like a cliche and judging themselves really harshly in that moment. So I’m just, that’s on my mind, and heart is like how much the patriarchy is influencing the thoughts that we have about ourselves, and where we are in life? And where we quote should be?

Steph Gaudreau
Hmm, yeah, absolutely. People have generally stopped asking me if I’m going to have kids because I’m 41 now. You know, it’s, it’s just really interesting, right? You know, they’re supposed to be these, these certain things that we should do, and we should be and we should have at certain points in our life. And if you don’t quite fit that mold. There is that like, baked in sense of, I’m doing it wrong, even if you’re loving your choices, and you’re happy about it, right? And you’re feeling very aligned, to say, I’m childfree, or whatever it is, right. I’m, I want to release a new relationship. And I’m 65 like, I want to break that mold. You know, I shouldn’t just have to be alone, like, so there’s on so many different levels. I think that that’s a really important conversation to have with people. Mm-hmm. Um, you said earlier that you were in the top three in your company, right? Yeah, you can company for closing the deal, I guess. Why? Are you such a fan of bragging? And how have you made that something that you feel really great about? Right? Because we’re always told to, like, downplay our accomplishments and who we are. Yeah. Does that fit into dating?

Lily Womble
Sure. Well, I think that it’s an important distinction to me between bragging and asking you to brag as well, right? Like being generous in inviting in the abundance that we have created in both of our lives. And I’d love to hear a brag of yours. Actually. There’s a difference between that and just like making it all about you all the time and bragging, like in sucking the air out of the room. Do you know what I’m saying? So there’s a difference in a generous and where this comes from for me is I was in a sorority in Mississippi, when I was in college, very off-brand. If you know me, it was a very weird choice. My family actually was like, are you sure that you want to be in a story? And I was like, Yes, I have no friends. And no, nobody’s I am definitely going to join this already. So my sophomore year. It was a small sorority like 60 people. And in my sophomore year, I noticed that a lot of women in the sorority were getting engaged. And they were like 1920-year-olds, and there was a ceremony for them. And it was called candlelight. And they would go around and like, blow out a candle if you were engaged and everybody’s scream and run to her feet. And after the fifth, one of these candlelight ceremonies, I started to feel disgusted because in my by my brain could nerd security up. But my body knew that women in the room were more excited about a woman getting engaged than they were about any other moment in that person’s journey in college, and I started to like, talk to my fellow members and be like, what if we started a new tradition where women would be able to brag about their professional successes, their internships, that they got their new jobs, their, like, classes that they got to be in or co-teach or whatever? Like, what if we created a new sort of candlelight? And I was, I was sort of noodling on this new idea. I was going to pitch it to the sorority, and then the president of the sorority called me and she said, Hey, Lily, Backing up, I also said, I know women in the south have trouble bragging about themselves. So I’m happy to go first I would love to celebrate this thing. And then I know five other women who could go after me because I know that this is something that we need to do. So I was called by the sorority president, and she’s like, hey, Lily just wanna let you know that people are coming to me and saying that you have been talking about new candlelight, it’s a 100-year-old tradition, that’s never gonna change. By the way, marriage is a sacrament and my religion. So, you know, you comparing professional success to marriage is actually insulting and really hurt the feelings of the women getting engaged, you know, manipulating me. And then she said, and people thought that you were self-aggrandizing by saying that, you’d go first. And then it’s tradition. And I wish I could say that I was like, Fuck you, and hung up. But no, I cried, I felt so manipulated, and so betrayed and also like a shitty person for doing the things that this woman was saying that I was doing, right. And then a couple of months later, I had the realization of like, you know, what, if they don’t, if they don’t want to be celebrating fellow members in another way, besides just besides marriage, then I don’t want to be a part of this group. So I left and it became my mission to help other women to feel like there were more things in their life to celebrate than just getting married. It led me to really use that framework when I am working with people on their dating lives to help them acknowledge how else they are succeeding and thriving and killing it and creating communities now in my brains and breakthrough program, where we start every group coaching with everybody bragging about themselves. And it is sometimes the first time in people’s whole lives, they’ve given permission to share something like that. And then maybe the first time in their lives where there’s been a container where other women will celebrate with them in that way. And so I think that it is a really beautiful marriage between working on your dating mindset and your dating action plan, while also continuing to celebrate how amazing and whole and successful and incredible you are.

Steph Gaudreau
I love that. We’re gonna do our own ceremony.

Lily Womble
Yes. What are your brags?

Lily Womble
How do you like them apples, Mmm-hmm? I don’t know. There’s a couple.

Steph Gaudreau
I mean, this podcast now has over three and a quarter million downloads. So that’s cool.

Lily Womble
Are you kidding me? That’s incredible. Sending you sparkle fingers across the Zoom screen.

Steph Gaudreau
I love it. Awesome. What about you?

Lily Womble
Yeah, I have 10 people on the date brazen team right now. Which…

Steph Gaudreau
Awesome.

Lily Womble
two months ago was not a thing. So that feels really good. And also, this will be Date Brazen’s first six-figure year, so. Yay. Yes. So that’s really exciting. Um, and I think that’s what like before I said that I had so many thoughts run through my brain like, what are the people listening to get a thing? Are they gonna think that I’m like, I literally just thought, are people gonna think that I’m an asshole for saying, my brag?

Steph Gaudreau
Mm-hmm.

Lily Womble
And that thought that goes through my brain is my conditioning. to not take up space and to not own, what I am and who I am and what I’m accomplishing. And also, I invite everyone like listening to text a friend and ask for their brag and to share yours because I think that so much. Juicy abundance is possible when we’re opening up doors for other women and other people in our lives to celebrate themselves.

Steph Gaudreau
I love it. I’m gonna give the listeners a call to action, which is to share this podcast on Instagram tag Lily and myself, and share your brag. Like just put it out there.

Lily Womble
Amazing, I want to hear those brags. My Instagram handle is @DateBrazen.

Steph Gaudreau
All right, there you go.

Lily Womble
And there you go. And you’re obviously at Steph_Gaudreau. Yes

Steph Gaudreau
That’s me. So yes, share it. Tag us, we want to see it and I’ll share it out. I want to see it. Yay. All right. Awesome. This has been so great to get to chat with you.

Lily Womble
So great. Thank you so much for having me.

Steph Gaudreau
I love how you’re really working on this. This intersection of really getting to the essence of who you are and being more whole with yourself. And also using that as a jumping-off point to have really fulfilling relationships in a way that’s like on your terms and will make you feel like the amazing bright star that you are. And I just I love it. I think right now in the times that we’re in, it’s even more important as, as people are searching for that connection. So

Lily Womble
Yeah, I think so too. Last thing I’ll say dating is the microcosm, right? It might feel some of my clients we’ve talked and they’re like it feels frivolous to have this need to get help here. And I get to say, well, dating is a microcosm of every fear, hope, joy, insecurity that you have as a person. And it really matters. And in that way, dating should and can feel like an act of self-care. And it just takes some work and some support and some reframing to get there. And as extraordinary as possible.

Steph Gaudreau
Love it. Tell us where else listeners can connect with you other than your Instagram, which we will also link to, but where can they get involved with your coaching? You know, get on your waitlist and all that good stuff.

Lily Womble
Yeah, so my coaching experience, the brazen breakthrough opens a couple of times a year, and you can dive into all things Date Brazen, in the Date Brazen on the podcast. You can just type that in Apple podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts. And also my website DateBrazen.com is a great place to get started and Instagram at @DateBrazen and I love hearing our hearts from podcasts on Instagram dm so anyone listening who has one Feel free to share.

Steph Gaudreau
Awesome. Lily Womble day brazen, thank you so much for hopping on the podcast today. Thank you for sharing your beautiful message with us. I really appreciate it.

Lily Womble
Thank you so much. I appreciate it too.

Steph Gaudreau
All right, my friend. That’s a wrap on this episode with the lovely Lily Womble, I hope that you were able to take something away from this episode, whether you’re actively dating or not, or you’re in a relationship or not really thinking about the intersection of how we put ourselves out there in the world and what we think about our bodies and how we can build our confidence, no matter what our body size or shape happens to be. And I’m so very thankful to Lily for coming on the show and sharing her perspective and her expertise with us. So very, very awesome. You can get the Show Notes for this episode at StephGaudreau.com while you’re there, go ahead and get my free training all about intuitive eating. It’s called what is intuitive eating and you can do that at StephGaudreau.com/training. All right, stay tuned. Next week I’ll be back with another wonderful guest episode with the very amazing Christina Montalvo. So if you’re up for some chili pepper conversation about intuitive eating and Thai culture, definitely make sure you check out the episode next week or if you’re listening to this in the past, in the past in the future. I don’t know what I’m trying to say. But if it’s already past this date, then just go ahead and forward on to the next episode. Until next week, be well.

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